which kind of empathy? (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 09-May from 7:30-8:30pm EDT
Empathy doesn’t come easily.
Well, there are different kinds of empathy, so maybe some of them do come easily, and of course, everyone’s experience will vary - but the one (spoiler alert!) that I’m after, cognitive empathy - we can say that it doesn’t come easily.
You have to listen, really listen to develop cognitive empathy, and listening is effortful. It takes practice to get good at it. And even if you’re good at it, it’s still effortful.
Listening is not a passive act.
In fact, according to Dr. Thomas Gordon, clinical psychologist and pioneer teacher of communication skills and conflict resolution methods, there are twelve different roadblocks to listening:
- Directing
- Warning
- Advising
- Persuading
- Moralizing
- Judging
- Agreeing
- Shaming
- Analyzing
- Probing
- Reassuring
- Distracting
These are behaviors that can happen in conversations that are not, and that impede, listening.
It’s not that they’re necessarily bad behaviors in and of themselves. It’s just that they’re not the same as listening and they prevent the narrative flow from going where it was going. It’s possible to be engaged in the other person’s narrative, and not be listening for even a moment. I know. I’ve done it, and do it, plenty of times.
Empathy isn’t about being nice, caring or feeling for someone’s situation, though sometimes, it can lead to that.
According to social psychologist C. Daniel Batson, PhD, in These Things Called Empathy: Eight Related but Distinct Phenomena, chapter one of The Social Neuroscience of Empathy, there are eight kinds of empathy.
- cognitive empathy
- motor mimicry
- emotional contagion
- aesthetic empathy
- perspective taking
- “imagine-self” perspective
- personal distress
- empathic concern
I can provide a high level overview for us as a pre-read over the weekend, along with possible discussion prompts. It’s still going to be a living room picnic, so you’re welcome to come as you are, whether you’ve read anything about listening or empathy, or not.
What interests me is your experience, interest and aspirations when it comes to connecting, where empathy shows up or doesn’t. What it asks of you. What you ask of others, or wish you could…
In short, let’s talk 
when: Mon 09-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST
to attend:
