invitation to conversation

alex · May 6, 2022, 5:01pm

which kind of empathy? (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 09-May from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

Empathy doesn’t come easily.

Well, there are different kinds of empathy, so maybe some of them do come easily, and of course, everyone’s experience will vary - but the one (spoiler alert!) that I’m after, cognitive empathy - we can say that it doesn’t come easily.

You have to listen, really listen to develop cognitive empathy, and listening is effortful. It takes practice to get good at it. And even if you’re good at it, it’s still effortful.

Listening is not a passive act.

In fact, according to Dr. Thomas Gordon, clinical psychologist and pioneer teacher of communication skills and conflict resolution methods, there are twelve different roadblocks to listening:

Directing
Warning
Advising
Persuading
Moralizing
Judging
Agreeing
Shaming
Analyzing
Probing
Reassuring
Distracting

These are behaviors that can happen in conversations that are not, and that impede, listening.

It’s not that they’re necessarily bad behaviors in and of themselves. It’s just that they’re not the same as listening and they prevent the narrative flow from going where it was going. It’s possible to be engaged in the other person’s narrative, and not be listening for even a moment. I know. I’ve done it, and do it, plenty of times.

Empathy isn’t about being nice, caring or feeling for someone’s situation, though sometimes, it can lead to that.

According to social psychologist C. Daniel Batson, PhD, in These Things Called Empathy: Eight Related but Distinct Phenomena, chapter one of The Social Neuroscience of Empathy, there are eight kinds of empathy.

cognitive empathy
motor mimicry
emotional contagion
aesthetic empathy
perspective taking
“imagine-self” perspective
personal distress
empathic concern

I can provide a high level overview for us as a pre-read over the weekend, along with possible discussion prompts. It’s still going to be a living room picnic, so you’re welcome to come as you are, whether you’ve read anything about listening or empathy, or not.

What interests me is your experience, interest and aspirations when it comes to connecting, where empathy shows up or doesn’t. What it asks of you. What you ask of others, or wish you could…

In short, let’s talk

when: Mon 09-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

alex · May 11, 2022, 8:14pm

conversation is not polite (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 16-May from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

Conversation is inherently unrefined and messy.

Otherwise, it’s not conversation, it’s a presentation, oratory, platform debate, rhetoric, venting, poetry—all of which have their place, but a conversation is not that. It can hold some of that cleaned-up, coherent, polished speak, but it can’t BE that. It can’t be polite. And expecting it to be, or trying to make it be, is interfering with the purpose of conversation, with its ch’i.

What do you think?

… let’s talk
It’ll be meta (eyerolls are fine).

We’re not gonna learn some framework for good conversation or anything like that. As always, there’s nothing to prepare, nothing you need to know to participate.

when: Mon 16-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

alex · May 18, 2022, 1:26pm

when you’re online, where’s your body? (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 23-May from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

I often feel (or really: notice later that I felt, or acted as if I am) obliged to sit still inside my Brady Bunch box when I’m online for a video meeting.

Other times when I’m online elsewhere, like

scrolling through social media,
working my way through my inbox,
browsing the web, dropping into this rabbit hole, crawling out of that one…

I lose track of my body— where it is, how it feels, sometimes I stay too long, or am holding my breath hostage (confined)…to what? I don’t know. I’ve lost track of what was so important that I can’t look away, or take breaks, stretch, or close my eyes while I listen (can we do that in a meeting?)

I don’t typically check in with my body to see what it wants, or needs in order to participate in this, or that, digital space.

It’s like I left it at the door. Got dressed if it’s an on-camera meeting. But then, especially when I leave self-view on, just. trying. to. force. stillness. (And please —no weird expressions crossing my face).

None of this is intentional. It’s what I’ve noticed — for me.
How about you?

At our next living room picnic, I’d like to bring our bodies into it on purpose. Give voice to what all is going on with us bodies (or isn’t) while we’re online.

Let’s talk…

As always, there’s nothing to prepare, nothing you need to know to participate.

when: Mon 23-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

alex · May 26, 2022, 1:25pm

activation and re-grounding (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 30-May from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

Dear fellow change-seeking women,

Times are hard. And I have no answers for us. I just don’t want to turn away. No judgments for turning away, or numbing out. I’ve been turning away most of the time.

I know how impossible it can feel in your being to do anything other than retreat.

I don’t believe I’m done retreating either.
Just that I want to explore the rhythm of staying.

I feel the activation - the threat, the horror, the hate. The violence this time was not done to my body. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain.

I don’t know what you feel.

I believe it’s a lot though.

It has to be.
You’re alive.

activation + re-grounding

It’s not a formula. So, what is it?

At our next living room picnic, I’d like to consider activation + re-grounding and to hold space for whatever we’re feeling. Much of it is too hard, too much to hold on our own…

As always, there’s nothing to prepare, nothing you need to know to participate.

Let’s talk…

when: Mon 30-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

alex · May 31, 2022, 4:56pm

curiosity is not a spectator sport (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 06-Jun from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

Every day is kind of an experiment. Every moment really. A series of them — ooh too linear! even movies aren’t that linear in flow —a web, a mesh, fluid and state-changing, a mixing of experiments from every direction conceivable and beyond.

There is ALWAYS more beyond us, that we don’t know.

[sigh]

I don’t mean to be overwhelming, but it is beyond any kind of containment. It is AMAZING. Being. Being human in the world.

It takes effort. Attention. Participation. Effort to make sense of it all.
And then it shifts. It always shifts. That’s life.
That’s living.

Experimenting isn’t just for scientists and researchers.

I like the way author Zora Neale Hurston puts it:

Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.

Experimenting is what everyone does, with varying degrees, and kinds, of formality. And curiosity is a core component. It’s a state of being that you can embody —however you choose to. You do have to choose though. What difference does it make to be curious?

At our next living room picnic, I’d like to consider the role curiosity can play in the quality of our lives.

Let’s talk…
As always, there’s nothing to prepare, nothing you need to know to participate.

when: Mon 30-May from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

If you’ve never attended a living room picnic and feel like more of an introduction to UNDERMININGnormal and what picnics are like, you can stop by the courtyard; I wrote this for you.

with much care and interest,
—Alex

alex · June 7, 2022, 3:42pm

what does like-minded mean & why do we seek it? (a living room picnic)
on Monday, 13-Jun from 7:30-8:30pm EDT

The invitation to gather with like-minded people weaves its way in and out social connection offers, hawkers drawing us to their cool brilliance, righteousness, truth —and I guess on the surface that makes sense, but actually —

If we’re like-minded, what will we have to talk about?

It’s our conversations that lead to, expand, deepen, evolve, challenge and maintain relationships…

And so, rather than offer you the opportunity to connect with like-minded people, may I ask instead:

What are the conversations that you want more of in your life?

What might that lead to?

(What kind of like-mindedness is even possible?)

What does it mean to be like-minded & why do we seek it?

Let’s talk…
As always, there’s nothing to prepare, nothing you need to know to participate.

when: Mon 13-Jun from 7:30-8:30pm EST

to attend:

If you’ve never attended a living room picnic and feel like more of an introduction to UNDERMININGnormal and what picnics are like, you can stop by the courtyard; I wrote this for you.

with much care and interest,
—Alex

alex · June 16, 2022, 6:10pm

summer 2022 collective grief ceremony

Dear fellow deep-thinking, change-seeking woman,

Grief can be hard to talk about.

Sometimes (often?) you don’t know that it’s happening, that that’s why…why this feels, what? no, this doesn’t feel, it’s this aching, wait, under the surface there’s this hard, covering everything there’s an empty, familiar, and still it’s strange, just on the edge, this silent […]

I’m not asking you to talk about it.
Not with me.

But there may be a conversation to be had between you and yourself or you. That’s another thing you don’t always know is happening.

It’s for that need to reflect and to remember that we hold collective grief ceremonies every season.

Sometimes, you just need the company of others in order to take care of yourself.

what to expect

The collective grief ceremony isn’t meant to resolve or settle anything.

We’ll be off-camera and you won’t be asked to share. There will be no photos or breakout rooms. This is just for you, so you can be with your grief privately, within a space of collective caring and acceptance.

We’ll have three sessions of private journaling to support us in naming, recognizing and claiming our respective losses, sadness and grief.

I will guide us through and keep time, though there will be no pressure to finish, and at the end of the third session, we’ll go light digital candles. This will also be private. You can dedicate your candle in any way you like. You can light more than one. Each candle burns for 48 hours.

There will be an opportunity to share and talk about grief at the end of the ceremony. Some people find they’d like to commune a bit. You’ll see if you feel like it.

It’s also fine to head out after lighting your candle, and not say a word.

when: on Mon 20-Jun, the collective grief ceremony takes place from 7:30-8:30pm EDT, with an optional after-hangout where we can share or talk about grief from 8:30-9:00pm EDT.

to attend:

with much care and interest,
—Alex